Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Sweet revenge

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Jan 'n George

Jan didn't sleep well the other night so I left her to catch a bit more zizz. When she eventually woke we briefly discussed her poor night's sleep.
Suddenly she sat up and said, "I remember now, I dreamt about George."
"George who," I said?
"George Osborne," she said, "I think we were an item."
There then followed a lot of stupid banter where I teased her mercilessly with stuff like, "What was he like, what does his wife think? What first attracted you to the millionaire George Osborne?"
By the end of the day she did get a bit fed up with it all but given that she has two timed me in her sleep I think she deserves it. Mind you, I might get an insight into government policy and indirectly might be able to influence it.
She wasn't pleased when, just before going to sleep last night, I said, "Give my regards to George."

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Peaky Blinders

We don't normally watch television programmes that look interesting, on a weekly basis but record them to watch on consecutive days. That way, given our advanced years, we stand a chance of remembering the plot and the various characters.
We have just started watching Peaky Blinders, despite it having already finished its first series, and I can't say how good it is. It's a gritty tale of life in Birmingham (historical fiction) in the early 1900s and if you are the sort of person who thinks Emmerdale is interesting or exciting then watch with care, this might be a bit too stimulating for you. The acting, atmospherics, cinematography and plot are all very good and I can't think of another English made television programme that is as good. Recommended.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Countryside Live

Last weekend we visited Countryside Live at the Yorkshire Showground. It didn't seem as busy as a previous visit but we came away with two small gems. The first was a stall selling mostly crab and shellfish products. I'm a nightmare shopping before lunch because I'm usually very hungry and today was no exception. They are called What a Catch and we bought and ate a small tub of crab paté. It was really excellent on hot buttered toast as a snack. On November 1st they will launch a website so we will probably try some other stuff. Recommended.
The other gem was a company called Nova Scotia Farm Produce and this is their website. We tried steak pies, the size of pork pies, and they were delicious. Filled with large chunks of meat, not the slime that you normally associate with steak pies. They were really impressive. Recommended.
Since coming back from France we have been amazed at the range and quality of local (Yorkshire) produce and continue to be pleased at what we find.
By the way, there is no charge for all this research and taste testing, so say a big thank you to the nice man and lady.

Monday, October 21, 2013

With apologies to whales everywhere

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish so I approached and asked, "are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them turned angrily towards me and screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot."

I was mortified, apologised and said, "I'm so sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

A heartwarming tale

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe, near Transylvania. They drive in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it. It is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him." Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play. A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Monday, October 14, 2013

It's so obvious

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting on the dock, fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.

His buddies asked, "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
Dave replied, last night I came home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go fishing.

Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise".

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want".

"So I did and here I am."

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

No trouble at t'mill

When we first got here a couple of years ago we (Jan) wrote down a list of places to go and things to see. High on the list was a revisit to Salts Mill in Shipley or, as the website says, 'shopping, dining and art in one glorious building.' We wandered around the building, which is huge, admiring Hockney originals and buying the odd thing, making for an excellent few hours doing not much. Recommended.
After Salts Mill and with lunch time having nearly passed we headed for the old Harry Ramsden's fish and chip shop in nearby Menston. Fortunately the operation had now been bought by the Wetherby Whaler folks and the fish and chips are now much improved. What really made us giggle was the sight of a grand piano to one side of the dining room and as you can see in the (poor quality) photo above, chandeliers. Admit it, have you ever eaten fish and chips under a chandelier? Recommended.